


Because you've worked hard

by Practicemakesperfect



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Baekhyun and Kungsoo are dormmates, Baekhyun is hella stresso depresso, Baekhyun plays piano, Fluff, Kyungsoo and his comforting words again, M/M, Music Major AU, Musician angst, Pining, The friend part before the lover part, cuz he actually does
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 03:03:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19862443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Practicemakesperfect/pseuds/Practicemakesperfect
Summary: Baekhyun can't get a section right on the piano and he's frustrated. Kyungsoo is there to tell him it's okay.





	Because you've worked hard

**Author's Note:**

> Another Baeksoo, but more on the subtle side this time. Kudos and comments are appreciated, always. Love you guys and enjoy <3
> 
> (And to loco: I didn't forget about fluffy lap time haha just want it to come when it comes, which will hopefully be some time soon xd)
> 
> OH! Also, this was very stream-of-consciousness writing so... yahhhh sorry in advance however this turned out lolol

Baekhyun felt like he was going insane. Again, again, again, he kept muttering that to himself as his fingers fumbled on the keys. 

“Again.” Play. Mess up. Repeat. It was times like these that Baekhyun almost hated the piano, and how it seemed to mock him every time he ever tried to play it. He wasn’t bad; he knew that. He was just a perfectionist, and nothing was ever perfect enough for him to be satisfied. He hated telling people that. Automatically voices of pity would respond, mostly summing to the ultimate message of “you’re really good don’t doubt yourself etc. etc.” blah blah blah. Yeah, maybe he was okay. But he knew what was good and what wasn’t and, well.

This ain’t it, chief.

One more time he tried the passage before he heard another ugly note and yelled out loud, standing abruptly and sending the piano bench sprawling on the floor. “Ugh. UGH. Ugh. Okay, calm. It’s fine. It’s fine.” Deep breaths. Not a big deal. You’ll get it next time.

Why next time?

Maybe he wasn’t cut out for this, after all. He’d started piano later than “real” musicians usually did, and he’d worked super hard to get to a level where he was decent, but maybe he was just fooling himself and everyone else and wasn’t really meant to perform at all. How could he compete when he was like this? He worked so hard but… it wasn’t enough. It never was. 

“Fuck. No, I’m being dramatic. It’s fine. I’ll just do it again, and it’ll be fine.” Baekhyun picked up the piano bench and sat down, took a few deep breaths. Slowly. Play slowly, work up to it. You’re just practicing wrong. It’s fine. You’re not a failure, you’re doing well. You’re doing well.

His fingers fluttered over the keys for a moment while he internalized the notes for the upteenth time. Again. Again. Again.

It was another hour before Baekhyun decided to give up and leave the practice room. His professors always said overworking could be just as bad as under-practicing, and his fingers ached anyway. He sighed while he packed up, sighed while he walked out, couldn’t stop sighing really because he still didn’t have the section down. What a waste.

By the time he’d shuffled to the dorm he was a discouraged mess. His inner monologue had spiraled into his should-I-just-quit-music-and-become-a-drug-dealer spiel and was only getting worse. He really needed to sleep.

“Hey, Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo said when they met at the door. He was slipping on his shoes to go out, a slightly-surprised smile on his face. It was a little ray of sunshine that faded once he saw Baekhyun’s expression. “What’s wrong?”

Baekhyun grunted as he passed by Kyungsoo, who was now frowning and making Baekhyun feel a thousand times worse. “Nothing.” 

“Okay… well, I’m going to class but… I’ll see you later?” His voice sounded concerned, but Baekhyun only slipped off his shoes and avoided his gaze.

“Yep, see ya.” One last moment of heavy silence and Kyungsoo was gone.

Great. Fuck. Of course he had to see Baekhyun like this, depressed and dramatic and disgustingly mopey. Baekhyun wanted to hit his head on the wall, but then that was a lie. He just wanted to pass out on his bed and never wake up again. 

“Why am I majoring in music…?” Baekhyun wondered out loud before pulling his clothes off for bed. It was only four in the afternoon, but his schedule was clear for the rest of the day. Thank god. Any more of him staring at notes and he’d probably actually become a drug dealer. At least it’d be more promising than this.

Rifling through the cupboards he grabbed a half-eaten bag of Dorito chips and collapsed on his mattress, curling up and chowing down. If Kyungsoo saw him eating on his bed, he’d probably lecture him hardcore, but then his dormmate was a clean freak and would pretty much lecture him on anything he did. It wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault he was so messy. Just… no one taught him how to be neat, and anyway, it worked out okay and that was all that mattered to him. 

...then again, maybe it only worked out because Kyungsoo was always there to clean up after him.

“Well, good thing he is, then,” Baekhyun muttered out loud, stuffing some chips into his mouth before splaying out starfish-style to stare up at the wall. Damn. He never wanted to play piano again. Except that that was a lie. Except that maybe it wasn’t, at least not right now. Just the thought of having to do it again made him nauseous. Maybe his parents were right. Maybe…

No. That’s not a track you want to ride on, Baekhyun. It was useless to think about his parents and their endless need to remind Baekhyun of his hidden potential--hidden potential to do well in anything other than music. He could make a lot of money. He could have his future all set and ready. High grades, numerous leadership positions, any program would want him. But he didn’t want another program. At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself. These days it’s hard to know if that’s still the truth.

Great. He thought about it again. But what else was there to think about? Everything was stressing him out. Even his roommate…

“Noooo not again,” Baekhyun groaned, trying to shut his mind off. Where the hell was the power button? But he couldn’t sleep like this, not when Kyungsoo’s frown was so etched in the back of his brain. He felt bad. Really bad. Kyungsoo had looked so happy for a split second before Baekhyun came in and ruined it. What was he thinking? He was usually the one who made people feel better, not worse. He never let a bad mood get in the way of making someone happy. But for some reason today he was selfish and just… well… who knows? Maybe Kyungsoo didn’t care. Kyungsoo never cared.

Ugh. What a lie. He cared so much it made Baekhyun confused all the time. Like when he would tutor Baekhyun on subjects he was struggling with, or when he would sing to Baekhyun when he was feeling a little under the weather. Or that time when Baekhyun had a massive hangover and Kyungsoo cooked and took care of him. But it was the looks Kyungsoo gave him that confused him the most--the soft-spoken words and the crinkle in his eyes that made Baekhyun wonder just how far that “care” went. He really shouldn’t wonder these things. Really truly shouldn’t. Because things like these always ended in disappointment, and Baekhyun couldn’t handle it again. Fuck that. His lack of musicality was enough disappointment to last him a lifetime.

Baekhyun turned over and hugged his chip bag, glaring at Kyungsoo’s bed that sat across from his. “Why am I like this…”

God, he was tired. That seemed to be a good enough excuse, maybe. He just wanted to sleep. Screw his sleep schedule; he was a night-owl anyway, and as far as he was concerned 4:20 in the afternoon was still morning. Sure, he still had homework to do, but whatever.

“Fuck it. Good night.”

…

It was late when Baekhyun woke up again, bleary eyes making out the darkness of the dorm room. He was still half-asleep, still tired, and--after he’d had a moment to wake up a little more--yes, still in a shitty mood. But at least he was too out of it to think of it much. He yawned and stretched out (before jumping at the chip bag he’d forgotten he was holding) and laid there for a bit to wake up more.

“Good morning,” Kyungsoo’s voice greeted him softly and Baekhyun could just barely make out his outline from across the room where he lay on his own bed. 

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”

“No.” Kyungsoo sat up. “I was waiting for you to wake up but you wouldn’t so… I just got into bed. Did I wake you?”

“Nah. I reached my sleeping limit so now I’m awake.” Baekhyun heard Kyungsoo laugh a bit and felt relieved. “Listen, I’m sorry about today. I was kind of in a shitty mood and didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

“You call _that_ taking it out on me? I’ve seen worse, believe me. You were just acting reasonably upset, don’t worry.”

“Yeah…” _Reasonably._ Baekhyun wondered if that was accurate. 

“If you don’t mind me asking…”

“Ah, it’s really nothing. Just… I was just frustrated about practice haha. No biggie.”

Kyungsoo was quiet for a moment, and Baekhyun turned over so he wasn’t looking at him anymore. It was too dark to see his expression anyway, and Baekhyun hated how his mind made things up. 

“You know… it’s normal to mess up sometimes.”

Baekhyun couldn’t help it. He snorted. “Yeah, so I’ve heard.” 

“I’m serious. Music isn’t easy… nothing is, really, but it’s hard because you work so hard and sometimes it feels like it doesn’t amount to anything because someone else is always better than you, and it feels like no one cares how hard you worked, just the result, and… I guess I’m not really helping. What I’m really trying to say is that you work really hard, Baekhyun. I know you work really hard. You’re always practicing and thinking about music. You’re one of the most dedicated people I know, and even when you’re in a rut you’re still beating yourself up about music.”

Baekhyun swallowed. He stared hard at the ceiling and willed his mind quiet.

“People notice your hard work,” Kyungsoo continued. “I notice your hard work. I know the result it important, but you’ll get there. What matters more is that you _are_ getting there. That’s what makes you a musician, I think. Don’t hate yourself and devalue your efforts just because you don’t see the product yet. I know maybe my words don’t mean much to you, but I’m proud of you, Baekhyun. I’m really proud of you, and I'll always be proud of you.”

“Yeah,” said Baekhyun, because he couldn’t manage anything else. Heat pricked behind his eyes and he closed them, tight, and turned again so he was facing the wall, and his back was facing Kyungsoo. He felt like crying. It was strange, the realization that that was all he’d wanted to hear this whole time he’d been doing his best. _It’s okay. You’ve worked hard. I’m proud of you._

Maybe, in another universe, Baekhyun would have said, “I love you.” Because that was what he was feeling at that moment. But instead he steadied his breathing and whispered, his voice almost too quiet to hear: “Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I realize a lot of my works are basically a message to myself haha. I don't play piano, so I can't be sure that this is the sort of frustration pianists feel, but I'm a cellist, and the frustration of feeling like you aren't good enough can be really debilitating. There have been many times that I've wanted to quit, mostly because the pressure I put on myself can be too much. I think people who beat themselves up over quote unquote "not being good enough" really need to hear that message the most: that people are proud of you, that we see your efforts and that just because the product isn't there yet doesn't mean that your efforts are useless or deserve to be ignored. What gives you worth is the effort you put in, not necessarily the product. Don't put yourself down when you're doing your best. Your efforts will show in time.
> 
> I'm proud of you. I love you guys. Let me know in the comments what you're devoting some time to. I'm curious to see what lives you guys lead outside of the fanfic world :)


End file.
